“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”

― Mark Twain

“I haven’t the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.”

— David Sedaris, Naked

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

― W.C. Fields

“For the record, I think you’d be better off expressing your bad-ass side with art rather than a midlife tattoo. Tattoos are like permanent bell-bottoms.”

– Jonathan Adler, My Prescription for Anti-Depressive Living

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

– Douglas Adams

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

– Drew Carey

“Put. That coffee. Down. Coffee’s for closers only.”

– Blake, Glengarry Glen Ross

“I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.”

― Dorothy Parker

“I am eyeing the champagne, which suddenly becomes exactly what I need to to give me a bit of courage and uplift. Have no trouble in understanding how women, especially mothers, become alcoholics. In fact, find it much harder to understand why so many don’t.”

– Raffaella Barker, Summertime

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why God? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”

― Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay