I adore these shoes.

I know. At 6 1/4 high, they’re a tad impractical. Plus, there’s the not-so-small matter that they cost nearly as much as my mortgage payment.

But the very thought of shoes that double as a weapon is irresistible. I can just picture using them on the assholes who walk through a door right ahead of me and then come to a dead stop.

This is (part of) my living room.

Yes, that is a nude on the wall. No, it is not me.

I scored the chairs on eBay five or six years ago. They once occupied a hospital waiting room, and arrived covered in a nubby, well-worn orange polyester. I actually dug the orange, but they were, (1) in desperate need of recovering, and (b) clashed mightily with the living room rug.

In the end, I decided to upholster them in brown microfiber fabric, mostly because, between the boy and the dogs, it seemed like the most sensible choice.

This was clearly a mistake.

The room is just so brown now. Brown chairs, wood coffee table, tan couch. And I’m not a brown fan. I prefer glossy white things. Clearly, I would have been better off picking a zebra print or maybe a cowhide for the chairs.

(Ooooo. Cowhide.)

Anyway, I have decided my living room is in desperate need of a cream Barcelona couch.

(Yes, I know, the couch in the photograph is tan. Picture it in cream. Or white. Better, right?)

The problem is that one of these beauties costs about $10,000. Which makes it a very expensive solution to my too-much-brown problem.

Also, I’m officially tired of the West Elm capiz floor lamp. It seemed hip and edgy when I bought it. Plus, it reminded me of a stunning capiz chandelier I one saw. But now? Not so much. It, too, needs to go.