This week: People who annoy me.

Never, ever roast a chicken when you’re hung over.
Just trust me on this one.

I’ve wanted a set of deer antlers forever. Forever and ever and ever. And then last weekend, while shopping at an antique store with my mom . . .
“Look,” Mom said. “They have antlers! Haven’t you been wanting a set of those?”
“Yea! Antlers!” I said.
While I was examining the antlers, the sales clerk wandered over.
“We just got those in,” the sales clerk said, nodding at the display. “They’re hard to find, because they wait for the deer to shed them. They often find the antlers at the base of trees, after the deer rub their antlers off against the trunk.”
I had no idea deer shed their antlers. And even though I’m a meat-eating kind of a girl, I did love the idea of no-kill antlers. So I immediately pulled out my wallet and bought a set.
“Look, look,” I said to George, once I got home. “Look at the antlers I got!”
“Cool,” he said.
“And these are no-kill antlers, too. The sales woman told me that the deer shed them,” I said happily.
“Ummmm,” George said.
“What?”
“Those antlers weren’t shed,” he said.
“Yes, they were!”
“No, they weren’t.”
“How can you tell?” I asked.
“Because that’s the skull,” he said, pointing to what I had thought was just a very realistic mounting.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“I am.”
“Deer don’t shed their skulls, do they,” I said, suddenly realizing that the whole antler-shedding story was a big fat lie.
“No,” George said.
And then he laughed for a really, really long time. Much longer than was strictly necessary.

ME: What was the letter of the day in school today?
SAM: B!
ME: That’s a great letter! What words begin with B?
SAM: Beer!
ME: Ummmm . . . well. Yes. Beer does begin with a B . . .

It’s time for some TV talk.

(1) Desperate Housewives.
Yes, the first season was awesome . . . quickly followed by a second season so bad, it’s hard to imagine how it stayed on the air. But I stuck with it, hoping, hoping, hoping that some of the original brilliance would return in the third season.

Yeah, well, it hasn’t. I mean, Carlos with Edie? Give me a break. And as for the rest of it – Susan’s mishaps, Gabby’s tantrums, Lynette’s fights with Tom. Bo-ring. I’m thisclose to giving up on it. Seriously. One more episode as bad as the one last Sunday, and it’s off my TIVO list.

(2) Law & Order.
I have been a loyal L&O fan forever. I think I’ve seen nearly every episode, especially from the brilliant early years. The show actually helped get me through law school. (True story: nearly every presentation I made in Trial Ad class was lifted straight from L&O. George had a hard time keeping a straight face during my closing argument.)

So what the hell have they done to my show?

Last year, the brilliant Dennis Farina revitalized L&O, and gave me fresh hope that my favorite franchise was turning around. But now that he’s left, the suckage is even more evident. The cast – with the notable exceptions of Jack McCoy and Arthur Branch – are so terrible, it’s hard to watch them without wincing. I didn’t think they could find a new ADA worse than Serena freaking Southerlyn, but somehow they managed to.
And the writing . . . oh, the writing! That’s the saddest part of all. The plots have become cartoonishly bad. The show has tanked so hard, and so fast, I can’t bring myself to watch it anymore. That’s right, it’s over. L&O and I have officially broken up.

(3) Lost.
Yes, it’s compelling. Yes, I’ll continue to watch. But let’s face it: the writers are just making it up as they go along. You know it’s true.

(4) The Office.
Brilliance, week after week after week. No question about it, this is the best show on television. And I must get my hands on a bobble-head Dwight.

(5) The Amazing Race.
LOVE the All-Stars season. Love, love, love. It’s the only show I watch live every week without fail. Love Phil, love the Beauty Queens, love watching Mirna break down and gabble in those weird accents to the locals week after week. Especially love that Romber got kicked off early. Hee!

I have a burning ambition to someday be a contestant on the show. (Except for the part where the contestants occasionally have to strip down to their bathing suits for underwater challenges. Obviously that can never happen.)

This week at the L.C.: Woe is me.

Here’s the cover for my new teen book, Geek High.

Tres cute, no? It’s being released on November 6th, under my pen name, Piper Banks.

Today, Sam and I were supposed to go to Disney World for a little mother-son bonding at the Happiness Place on Earth.
Instead, we’re both at home with some sort of sneezing-coughing- snotty crud.
Our illness is affecting us differently. It makes me want to lie on the couch and not move for hours on end. Sam, on the other hand, is bouncing around the house as though he’s been snorting Pixie Sticks.
(Do they still make Pixie Sticks, or am I dating myself? And how about those packets of colored sugar that came with the edible candy spoon you used to scoop out the sugar? Talk about the worst snack ever. Why not just market little packs of candy-colored cocaine to kids?)
I’m definitely going to need more Sudafed if I’m going to make it through today.
Update: Just got back from Target, where we stocked up on Sudafed, puzzles and play-doh . . . and received what may be the most exciting news of the year: Our Target will soon be opening a Starbucks counter. So you can waltz in, buy some overpriced coffee, and then, happily caffeinated, shop for the cheap yet fashionable merchandise Target is famed for.
Life is good.

Me: What would you like for breakfast? Your choice is waffles or gruel.
Sam: Gruel!
Me: Give me a break. You don’t want gruel.
Sam: Yes. I want gruel.
Me: You don’t even know what gruel is. I don’t know what gruel is. Besides, it wasn’t a real choice. We don’t have any. All we have are waffles.
Sam: I WANT GRUEL!!!
Me: Waffles it is.