I scored a new mini-van a few weeks ago, and am considering getting a front license plate for it. It would have to be snarky, of course. I don’t do earnest, i.e. “Mom’s Taxi” or “My Alma Mater is {blank}.”

Here are my options thus far:

An Expression of my Bad-Ass Self

Demonstrating How I Normally Feel While in Traffic

Because I Have Ennui

Mini-Vans Are Shex-shee

Or are amusing front license plates just as bad as family stickers? Hmmm. I have a feeling they are. Maybe blank is better.

A recent phone conversation with my mother:

Mom: [In a testy tone of voice] Are you pregnant?
Me: No.
Mom: Because I heard you were pregnant.
Me: Nope. Not pregnant.
Mom: Word is you are.
Me: Okay, what exactly is this all about?
Mom: I was talking to M [my sister’s friend whom I haven’t seen since we were both bridesmaids at my sister’s wedding thirteen years ago], and she said she heard you were pregnant. And I said you weren’t, and she said she could be wrong, but she was pretty sure she’d heard you were. And I told her that I thought you would have told me if you were pregnant, and if not, I’d be really upset with you.
Mom: But I’m not pregnant. So you can’t be annoyed at me for not telling you.
Me:
Mom: [still sounding annoyed] Are you sure? You swear you would tell me if you were?
Me: How about if I promise you I will always tell you I’m pregnant before I tell anyone whom I haven’t seen in thirteen-plus years?
Mom:
Me:
Mom: Okay. Deal. [Another pause.] So you’re really not pregnant?
Me: Oh, my God.