Sam: When you get really old, you can be a grandmother to my children.
Me: Wow, thanks. Aren’t I old now?
Sam: No, you’re sort of young. You need to collect some more birthdays. Then you can be old enough to be a grandmother.
Me: Good tip.
Sam: And when you’re really old, you can get a cane.
Me: Great. Wow, I’m loving this conversation.

George: You have to come see this.
Me: What?
George: This song on the Internet. It’s hilarious.
Me: No.
George: Come on. It’s really funny!
Me: You always say that, and then I never think it’s funny. Remember the turtle fence song?
George: You didn’t think that was funny? I thought that was hilarious.
Me: I know. That’s why I don’t want to watch whatever it is you’re trying to show me now.
George: I swear you’ll think this is funny.
Me: Let me ask you this: Is it funnier than the turtle fence song? Think about this carefully. Because if I don’t think it’s funnier than the turtle fence song, I will never again watch anything you want to show me. Do you really want to waste all of your capital on the strength of this one song?
George:
Me: Never ever again.
George: Okay, never mind.

After hearing and reading countless great reviews, George and I went to see INCEPTION on Saturday night. Ten minutes in, I was pretty sure that it was not my sort of movie. Twenty minutes in, I was in hate with it.

If we’d been watching the movie at home, this was the point where I would have bailed and gone off to do some Internet shopping. But George seemed mildly engrossed, and I didn’t want to make him leave, so I decided to make the best of the situation by taking a nap.

George nudged me, jolting me awake.

I gave him the evil eye, and promptly went back to sleep.

This time George reached over and squeezed my knee.

“You’re missing it,” he whispered.

“Yeah, that’s sort of the point,” I muttered.

The third time he woke me up, I punished George by sending him off to the snack bar to buy me refreshments. But my annoyance at him also meant that I couldn’t fall back asleep, and so was forced to watch the rest of the movie.

The movie didn’t improve. It didn’t make any sense and was unnecessarily loud and chaotic. I’ve had a stabbing pain in my left temple ever since. And my eye twitch is back.

But George did take me out for a post-movie martini, so date night wasn’t a total loss.

I’ve decided that the exclamation, “Damn, Hooker!” (as popularized by Lafayette of True Blood fame) is deeply underutilized, and intend to use it from now on as much as possible in general conversation.

Whether or not it’s appropriate for the situation.